I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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