Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Randomize
