I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
