none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
