I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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