i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
