he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
