I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
