I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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