I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
