sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
