She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
