just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
