So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
