her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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