If that was your dad, he is hot
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
