By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
