That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
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