My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
