No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
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