Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
