I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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