I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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