tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
