had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Can I color on your dick again?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
