Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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