You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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