you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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