Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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