I murdered the dance floor call the cops
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
