I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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