3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
