last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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