I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
