well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
