Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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