Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
