Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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