kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I cut my penus on the lid.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
