What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Is it because I queefed?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
