Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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