new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She told me I should be a condom model.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I am naked and annoyed.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
