So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
