I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
