I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize