I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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