my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
