The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
