is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
he's gonorrhea incarnate
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
