DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
