no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
