I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just invented taco cereal.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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