she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
