I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize