I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
