Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
