I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
