I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm just crazy horny about you
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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