I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
