the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Reggie can tackle my bush.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize