I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize