I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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