I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
