Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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