am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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