You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
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