She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
where are my eyebrows?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
