The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
