I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
