dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
