i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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