just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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