You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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