remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize