There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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