Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
