You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
they need to just BURY HIM!
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
